Today was one of those days. Emotions ran high for Mama today. Not sure what it was about the day but they were high. Nevaeh has a lot of emotion and I am trying desperately to understand it more. She has a lot of...spirit...and I don't handle the spirit the way I need to, the way I want to, the way I should. I don't have the patience and pray nightly for patience for the next day, and most nights pray for forgiveness for not handling situations correctly.
My morning was filled with lots of screaming, frustration, and compromising. Lots of keeping her out of things and redirecting. So I decided to nap her because I couldn't go through the rest of the day this way. When she woke up, it was back to more screaming even before we left the bedroom. I was so frustrated I sent her to her dad and went to shower where I cried until I could cry no more. By the time I came out, she had calmed down and was playing delightfully with her dad. She was wonderful the rest of the night. :) My title of this post is Frustration to Tears, not because of these tears spent, but because of the tears when putting her to bed for the night. She laid by me and I gave her a light kiss on her cheek and said "I love you with all my heart." She said "I love you with all you heart." This is where the tear fell. We have said this to each other multiple times. Never has it affected me this way. No matter how frustrated I get during the day, I need this time at night to reconnect with my spirited girl. I love her with all my heart. And she loves me with all my heart too. ;)
Friday, September 6, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Living in a Fishbowl
When I heard the name of our community, it kinda made me laugh. A Fishbowl? Really? But I get it now. Our community is one that is special. We all live very close to each other. In a circle of houses, especially those with kids. We live in a community that shares their food, shares their homes, shares their washer/dryer, share their talents. We barter for most things instead of paying. :)
We live in a community where our children become like sisters and brothers. We live in a community where the adults become like sisters and brothers. We live in a community where kids gather for birthday parties and to sing and dance and sleepovers with pajama parties. Our community is one where bonfires late into the night are very common. Bonfires and baby monitors, that is what we love.
We live in a community where all our dreams and aspirations are the same. We were all called by God to serve Him, to love Him and to follow His way. Yes, we all fall short of this at times, but we are all here to pick each other up.
We are in a community where moving trucks are common. Every year, we have families moving in, and families moving out. Summers are the most exciting times for families. We have new students starting who are most excited, most nervous, and most welcomed. We have Seniors moving out who are ready to start their new adventure and their new call. These people I can only imagine are most excited, most nervous, and a little sad to leave this Fishbowl. Then there are the interners, who I am sure also go through all these emotions. There is one class who stays put and that is the upcoming Middler class. This is where we stand. We don't move this year which is a relief. We got to welcome all the new students and their spouses and families, which is always wonderful! And then there are all the good byes. This my friends is the hardest part of Seminary and living in the Fishbowl. We know that wherever our friends are going, on internship, on first call, we will always be a part of each other's lives. But the goodbyes are extremely hard.
One thing I have contemplated is not letting anyone get too close. But then I realized that is just silly. I think each of us will leave footprints at this place. We will have relationships, circumstances that occur and each one of these things is like a footprint. We gather as a community and leave footprints on each other's hearts. Then we leave, on internship or on first call. But I believe these footprints will bind us and bring us closer, and always lead us back to our community and friends.
Our neighbors and friends moved today and it was the hardest day since I have been here. They have been our rock since moving here. They have been one big foot print, or many little footprints in the last year. From letting us use their washer/dryer when we moved here without one, to letting us bathe our children at their house when our hot water ran out, to dinners together and those awesome bonfires. They have been there for us when things were tough. Our children all became best of friends and I can't imagine this place without you! You will have an amazing year and I am very excited about that. We will visit as much as we can! And we will always make sure our footprints bring us back together. ;)
Van Kleys, you rock!
We live in a community where our children become like sisters and brothers. We live in a community where the adults become like sisters and brothers. We live in a community where kids gather for birthday parties and to sing and dance and sleepovers with pajama parties. Our community is one where bonfires late into the night are very common. Bonfires and baby monitors, that is what we love.
We live in a community where all our dreams and aspirations are the same. We were all called by God to serve Him, to love Him and to follow His way. Yes, we all fall short of this at times, but we are all here to pick each other up.
We are in a community where moving trucks are common. Every year, we have families moving in, and families moving out. Summers are the most exciting times for families. We have new students starting who are most excited, most nervous, and most welcomed. We have Seniors moving out who are ready to start their new adventure and their new call. These people I can only imagine are most excited, most nervous, and a little sad to leave this Fishbowl. Then there are the interners, who I am sure also go through all these emotions. There is one class who stays put and that is the upcoming Middler class. This is where we stand. We don't move this year which is a relief. We got to welcome all the new students and their spouses and families, which is always wonderful! And then there are all the good byes. This my friends is the hardest part of Seminary and living in the Fishbowl. We know that wherever our friends are going, on internship, on first call, we will always be a part of each other's lives. But the goodbyes are extremely hard.
One thing I have contemplated is not letting anyone get too close. But then I realized that is just silly. I think each of us will leave footprints at this place. We will have relationships, circumstances that occur and each one of these things is like a footprint. We gather as a community and leave footprints on each other's hearts. Then we leave, on internship or on first call. But I believe these footprints will bind us and bring us closer, and always lead us back to our community and friends.
Our neighbors and friends moved today and it was the hardest day since I have been here. They have been our rock since moving here. They have been one big foot print, or many little footprints in the last year. From letting us use their washer/dryer when we moved here without one, to letting us bathe our children at their house when our hot water ran out, to dinners together and those awesome bonfires. They have been there for us when things were tough. Our children all became best of friends and I can't imagine this place without you! You will have an amazing year and I am very excited about that. We will visit as much as we can! And we will always make sure our footprints bring us back together. ;)
Van Kleys, you rock!
Saturday, August 3, 2013
A taste of the past
I have always felt like I was born into the wrong century. Like maybe the Laura Ingalls Wilder days would have suited me better. I love the idea of having my own huge garden that will support my family for the winter months. Having animals to care for and provide for us. Honestly, horse and buggy sounds wonderful. And to have my laundry hang from the clothes line would be wonderful. A wood stove? Yup. Love a fire to keep me warm.
Now, I do almost none of this. Just dream of it. Some day, maybe I will get to do some of it. But this week, I went back to my parents and canned corn. We canned A LOT of corn. By canned I mean ziploc bagged, but same thing. :) I kept thinking through the whole process how much I loved being there. I had my mom and dad, my brother and his 3 boys, my uncle and my 2 girls. We talked and laughed and teased each other through the whole process. This is what I love. The idea of coming together and having fun while providing for the family.
This was all done with corn, I wonder what fun could be had with tomatoes. :)
Now, I do almost none of this. Just dream of it. Some day, maybe I will get to do some of it. But this week, I went back to my parents and canned corn. We canned A LOT of corn. By canned I mean ziploc bagged, but same thing. :) I kept thinking through the whole process how much I loved being there. I had my mom and dad, my brother and his 3 boys, my uncle and my 2 girls. We talked and laughed and teased each other through the whole process. This is what I love. The idea of coming together and having fun while providing for the family.
This was all done with corn, I wonder what fun could be had with tomatoes. :)
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
A Dream
I long to have a dream. A big dream. A purpose.
In the past I have thought of many things, but not followed through. I feel like this time I might have it, but now need to make time to follow through. I love to sew. I have found a new love for quilting but really, everyone I know has quilts coming out ....well, they have enough. :)
I have thought how I can use this to help in some way. I have thought about how our small experience with foster care and how many people I know who have had premature babies. I have decided I will make quilts for babies born prematurely and for children who come into the hospital that have been removed from their homes and been place in the foster system. Or children who have been born and removed immediately from their parents.
I have thought about just making them myself and donating them, which I might do. I also have thought about making them and selling them, not for profit, but just to cover cost of the blankets. I am open to any suggestions anyone has. I would love to start this right away since I have some material from a different idea I had. :)
Would love suggestions....
In the past I have thought of many things, but not followed through. I feel like this time I might have it, but now need to make time to follow through. I love to sew. I have found a new love for quilting but really, everyone I know has quilts coming out ....well, they have enough. :)
I have thought how I can use this to help in some way. I have thought about how our small experience with foster care and how many people I know who have had premature babies. I have decided I will make quilts for babies born prematurely and for children who come into the hospital that have been removed from their homes and been place in the foster system. Or children who have been born and removed immediately from their parents.
I have thought about just making them myself and donating them, which I might do. I also have thought about making them and selling them, not for profit, but just to cover cost of the blankets. I am open to any suggestions anyone has. I would love to start this right away since I have some material from a different idea I had. :)
Would love suggestions....
Saturday, June 8, 2013
A heart that worries
I wake this morning longing to hold Grace. The heart breaking news I heard in the middle of the night of yet another young lady losing her life too early constricts my heart. Nevaeh lays next to me so I snuggle her close, but Grace is at a sleep over and I have to wait until morning to finally hold her. I finally hold her and she knows I must have had another bad dream cause she has let me squeeze her tight before after a bad dream. Is that all it is? So many young girls go missing every day and it is a worry that grips my heart. I pray God watches over them every day as I know many moms do. It makes me sad that instead of worrying about broken arms or scraped knees, I worry constantly where my children are and making sure I can see them every once in awhile so I know no one has taken them.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
No need to read
Today is a day that I hope no one actually reads this. It is just a day I need a place to share my thoughts on "paper." 10 days ago I post that I am a new me and I am ready to embrace life. Today is a day I take about 3 steps back from that. I need to sit and pray but my kids are constantly questioning me, wanting things, needing things, etc. I can't go anywhere for 5 minutes without interruption. My thoughts bog me down. My insecurity is bubbling over. I have alienated myself from anyone but my kids. I love my kids, but I find myself very frustrated and snapping at them today. This is not the mom I want to be. I write this so I can move on from my depressing thoughts and move onto patient and loving words for the rest of the day.
Monday, May 6, 2013
My girls
Oh my children. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they make me happy, they make me sad. It is usually a roller coaster most days, but whenever I think to open my blog I see my girls staring at me with their beautiful eyes and it is refreshing. It always makes me happy. Grace looks so much older now from that picture, but her sweet soul is still the same. Nevaeh's freckles have sprouted since summer has started. I tell her that God made her a little extra special cause He gave her freckles. Like He just reached down and touched her nose and cheeks a few extra times. :) Summer is coming! It probably will be fun, it will most definitely be busy, and it will most certainly be memorable. These two girls are the light of my life. Good times and bad. They are always there for me, even in my worst moments. I love these two with my whole heart. Beautiful, inside and out!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Discovery
Today I got to spend my morning at a beautiful place. I knew it was going to be a special day because on my drive out to this remote location, I saw new life everywhere. Flowers, lambs, calves, and just the site of the fresh green grass and budding flowers was so refreshing. The mother's hovered over their babies, protecting them. I loved all the sites and wanted to drive slower to watch. I am glad I moved on because Sinsinawa is a breathtaking place to visit and spend the day. It is quiet and peaceful. The stain glass windows are amazing. I was speechless and tears came to my eyes.
My first class I took was from a life coach. She only had 45 minutes to talk and allow us to work on an activity but it was the best 45 minutes of my life. I hope this feeling sticks with me. I have always struggled with feelings from my school years. In a nutshell, I was left out of a lot of groups. I specifically remember, in 8th grade, when a group of girls were standing around talking at recess and I decided to not play ball with the guys (I was a tomboy) and attempt to be a girl. :) When I went to the circle, I was standing in the group and literally the girls closed me out. Now I don't say this to have pity, but this is something I have held inside my whole life. It has affected my relationships, always. I always push away when someone gets too close. So unless you are persistent, you won't break through these walls. ANYWAY, what I learned today is that when you hold onto the negative energy, it shapes who you are. And more importantly, this lady asked, "whatever hurt you in the past, is that who you are today?" WOW! I nearly dropped to the floor. I felt a release from all that I was holding in and decided I am not going to let what happened in 8th grade control me anymore.
I left there and cried a good 15 minutes, then picked myself up, wiped away the tears and decided I will not cry those tears again. Then I went and did Zumba for the first time with out fear or embarrassment (helped that I wasn't the only person who was doing it for the first time ) :) and then I went and drank some wine.
I pray that I hold onto this feeling forever! Please pray for me if you feel the call to do so. Thank you!
My first class I took was from a life coach. She only had 45 minutes to talk and allow us to work on an activity but it was the best 45 minutes of my life. I hope this feeling sticks with me. I have always struggled with feelings from my school years. In a nutshell, I was left out of a lot of groups. I specifically remember, in 8th grade, when a group of girls were standing around talking at recess and I decided to not play ball with the guys (I was a tomboy) and attempt to be a girl. :) When I went to the circle, I was standing in the group and literally the girls closed me out. Now I don't say this to have pity, but this is something I have held inside my whole life. It has affected my relationships, always. I always push away when someone gets too close. So unless you are persistent, you won't break through these walls. ANYWAY, what I learned today is that when you hold onto the negative energy, it shapes who you are. And more importantly, this lady asked, "whatever hurt you in the past, is that who you are today?" WOW! I nearly dropped to the floor. I felt a release from all that I was holding in and decided I am not going to let what happened in 8th grade control me anymore.
I left there and cried a good 15 minutes, then picked myself up, wiped away the tears and decided I will not cry those tears again. Then I went and did Zumba for the first time with out fear or embarrassment (helped that I wasn't the only person who was doing it for the first time ) :) and then I went and drank some wine.
I pray that I hold onto this feeling forever! Please pray for me if you feel the call to do so. Thank you!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
My kids, my focus
I have finally made a decision to focus on my kids. I have run a daycare for the last 8 months, and I was not focusing my time on my kids. I have made the decision to change that after this summer. I feel good about it. My new focus is my kids. They need me so much right now, and I need them. They are my heart and soul and when they are happy, I am happy. :) I can't wait to go exploring with them today. Wonder what we will find?
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Can I rewind 5 days and do it all over again? No. Can I move forward. I will. It is too hard living in awkwardness and is no fun. I miss the bond and every day banter. It is not worth it...ever! Part of me is trusting that you have moved on too. :)
I have found that friendship means way too much! We live in a world with too many grudges being held. I don't want to be like that. And I am working on trusting when a person says they are moving on too, that it is true, not just a painted face. It is my own worries I work through. Not yours.
And I promise, my next post will be a happier one! :)
I have found that friendship means way too much! We live in a world with too many grudges being held. I don't want to be like that. And I am working on trusting when a person says they are moving on too, that it is true, not just a painted face. It is my own worries I work through. Not yours.
And I promise, my next post will be a happier one! :)
Friday, April 5, 2013
Defeated
Some days I feel tired, some days worn out, today I just feel defeated. It is amazing how one choice can make such a huge impact. How one choice you think is helpful can make others feel hurt. I usually forget to pray when making choices. It is something I am working on. I long to help others and give advice, but now I feel defeated. I was feeling a very strong desire to help and now I'm not sure that it was a God thing. I think I will just give it a rest and let God work through others, not me. For today, I realized, I must have went too far. Hoping tomorrow I can find a new way to help others. A simpler way. A God lead way.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Who am I? Might as well start off my blog with this question. It is a hard question for me to answer sometimes. Here is what I do know.
First, I am a child of God. As I grow in my spiritual journey, I understand the meaning of this more each day. I will never know the full meaning, but just knowing I am His child makes me know each day is a new start and I can feel the love every day.
Second, I am a wife and mother. I can't really separate these because my family is all so important to me. My husband is in his first year studying to be a pastor. It has been a hard first year, but it is coming to a close in the next 6 weeks. I know this time will fly past and we are looking forward to the ministry in the future.
We have 2 beautiful girls. One is 7 and the other 3. They love to run around and play with the kids on campus. I home school our oldest and our youngest is getting ready for preschool in the fall. She is a busy bee all the time.
I am a stay at home mom and run a small daycare. I home school our oldest, so I stay pretty busy. When I get free time, I love to sew, knit, crochet, and read. I am praying God will point me in the direction of what my next step is in life. A job, keep home schooling, back to school? Who knows....wait, and see.
Life is a journey we all must take. Each step along the way is one I hope to take in prayer so I don't fall off the path for me.
First, I am a child of God. As I grow in my spiritual journey, I understand the meaning of this more each day. I will never know the full meaning, but just knowing I am His child makes me know each day is a new start and I can feel the love every day.
Second, I am a wife and mother. I can't really separate these because my family is all so important to me. My husband is in his first year studying to be a pastor. It has been a hard first year, but it is coming to a close in the next 6 weeks. I know this time will fly past and we are looking forward to the ministry in the future.
We have 2 beautiful girls. One is 7 and the other 3. They love to run around and play with the kids on campus. I home school our oldest and our youngest is getting ready for preschool in the fall. She is a busy bee all the time.
I am a stay at home mom and run a small daycare. I home school our oldest, so I stay pretty busy. When I get free time, I love to sew, knit, crochet, and read. I am praying God will point me in the direction of what my next step is in life. A job, keep home schooling, back to school? Who knows....wait, and see.
Life is a journey we all must take. Each step along the way is one I hope to take in prayer so I don't fall off the path for me.
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