Discovery

Today I got to spend my morning at a beautiful place. I knew it was going to be a special day because on my drive out to this remote location, I saw new life everywhere. Flowers, lambs, calves, and just the site of the fresh green grass and budding flowers was so refreshing. The mother's hovered over their babies, protecting them. I loved all the sites and wanted to drive slower to watch. I am glad I moved on because Sinsinawa is a breathtaking place to visit and spend the day. It is quiet and peaceful. The stain glass windows are amazing. I was speechless and tears came to my eyes.
My first class I took was from a life coach. She only had 45 minutes to talk and allow us to work on an activity but it was the best 45 minutes of my life. I hope this feeling sticks with me. I have always struggled with feelings from my school years. In a nutshell, I was left out of a lot of groups. I specifically remember, in 8th grade, when a group of girls were standing around talking at recess and I decided to not play ball with the guys (I was  a tomboy) and attempt to be a girl. :) When I went to the circle, I was standing in the group and literally the girls closed me out. Now I don't say this to have pity, but this is something I have held inside my whole life. It has affected my relationships, always. I always push away when someone gets too close. So unless you are persistent, you won't break through these walls. ANYWAY, what I learned today is that when you hold onto the negative energy, it shapes who you are. And more importantly, this lady asked, "whatever hurt you in the past, is that who you are today?" WOW! I nearly dropped to the floor. I felt a release from all that I was holding in and decided I am not going to let what happened in 8th grade control me anymore.
I left there and cried a good 15 minutes, then picked myself up, wiped away the tears and decided I will not cry those tears again. Then I went and did Zumba for the first time with out fear or embarrassment (helped that I wasn't the only person who was doing it for the first time ) :) and then I went and drank some wine.
I pray that I hold onto this feeling forever! Please pray for me if you feel the call to do so. Thank you!

My kids, my focus

I have finally made a decision to focus on my kids. I have run a daycare for the last 8 months, and I was not focusing my time on my kids. I have made the decision to change that after this summer. I feel good about it. My new focus is my kids. They need me so much right now, and I need them. They are my heart and soul and when they are happy, I am happy. :) I can't wait to go exploring with them today. Wonder what we will find?

Can I rewind 5 days and do it all over again? No. Can I move forward. I will. It is too hard living in awkwardness and is no fun. I miss the bond and every day banter. It is not worth it...ever! Part of me is trusting that you have moved on too. :)
I have found that friendship means way too much! We live in a world with too many grudges being held. I don't want to be like that. And I am working on trusting when a person says they are moving on too, that it is true, not just a painted face. It is my own worries I work through. Not yours.
And I promise, my next post will be a happier one! :)

Defeated

Some days I feel tired, some days worn out, today I just feel defeated. It is amazing how one choice can make such a huge impact. How one choice you think is helpful can make others feel hurt. I usually forget to pray when making choices. It is something I am working on. I long to help others and give advice, but now I feel defeated. I was feeling a very strong desire to help and now I'm not sure that it was a God thing. I think I will just give it a rest and let God work through others, not me. For today, I realized, I must have went too far. Hoping tomorrow I can find a new way to help others. A simpler way. A God lead way.

Who am I? Might as well start off my blog with this question. It is a hard question for me to answer sometimes. Here is what I do know.
 First, I am a child of God. As I grow in my spiritual journey, I understand the meaning of this more each day. I will never know the full meaning, but just knowing I am His child makes me know each day is a new start and I can feel the love every day.
Second, I am a wife and mother. I can't really separate these because my family is all so important to me. My husband is in his first year studying to be a pastor. It has been a hard first year, but it is coming to a close  in the next 6 weeks. I know this time will fly past and we are looking forward to the ministry in the future.
We have 2 beautiful girls. One is 7 and the other 3. They love to run around and play with the kids on campus. I home school our oldest and our youngest is getting ready for preschool in the fall. She is a busy bee all the time.
I am a stay at home mom and run a small daycare. I home school our oldest, so I stay pretty busy. When I get free time, I love to sew, knit, crochet, and read. I am praying God will point me in the direction of what my next step is in life. A job, keep home schooling, back to school? Who knows....wait, and see.
Life is a journey we all must take. Each step along the way is one I hope to take in prayer so I don't fall off the path for me.