Ponderings of a Wandering Heart

This fall has been one of the longest, most beautiful falls in many years. I have been enjoying it so much! This year I have joined a Bible study and have been involved in putting together an Advent Bible Study with my husband. It has moved me to a point of feeling like my wandering heart is becoming a pondering heart. I have felt in more of a relationship with God, not just a follower.
My pondering from yesterday while sitting at the park while listening to my children play. Like I said, this fall has been so beautiful to me. Beautiful leaves, beautiful temperatures, beautiful God. As I was sitting there looking at these leaves that were so beautiful, I thought, "How did they become so beautiful?"...Other than God made it happen this way. Death. These leaves are dying. Isn't this like Jesus dying for us to have the beauty of eternal life? And then I continued to think...isn't winter like the pure white of who Jesus was? Followed by spring with all its beauty of new life. Jesus rose so we could have new life. And summer...I struggled with summer a little (mostly cause it is not my favorite) but isn't it like our dry spells. Some feel summer is that time off from church and taking a break. Summer is that dry spell of wandering and not knowing what to do next. Or maybe summer is your favorite time and it is the growth and beauty all around you. The joy and laughter of warmth after a long cold winter. Jesus's ministry before his death.
My wandering has turned to pondering this season.

I have a dream

Inspiration hit me while watching the movie McKenna--American girl movie--about having a coffee shop some day. The mother has a coffee shop and she has lovely comfortable couches and chairs, a live band, and amazing decor that makes you want to be there. The last two years with Joe in seminary, we struggled to find nice places for him to go study or for me to just get away.
So my dream is to have a coffee shop hang out some day. One that is inviting to all. One with a wall full of books so you can just come in and read off the shelf if you want. I want this to be a place that people feel comfortable coming for Bible studies. One that opens up to a wine bar at night. Oh, wouldn't that be so fun. Coffee all day, wine at night. Ooh, my creative juices are flowing. A dream for sure, but maybe someday....

Lent giving up and gaining

Lent is a time that I used to hate. I hated giving up candy every year. That is usually what I chose. I have grown in my faith and looking back all I remember is my dad. I never knew as a child what he gave up, but know now that he gave up his weekend out and now gives up his chewing. This is a very hard thing for someone who has been smoking or chewing since he was approximately 15...not sure on age. But he did this for many years. He has now quit entirely. I think about how hard that was for him to do and think, yes, I can give something up for that long too.
So this year, as I did last year, I am giving up Facebook until after Easter. It has become too much of my day. It has taken me away from the ones I love. It has taken me away from my moments with God, my husband, and my children. Maybe it is something I will just give up. It was never a part of my life before, maybe I just need to go back to the old ways. :) We will see.
As my faith has grown, I also realize that Lent is about adding to your life too. Since I will have so much time on my hands (LOL) I will also be spending more time in prayer, exercise, and time devoted to my family. My goals are prayer time every morning (or evening if morning doesn't work) and daily exercise. I want to journal all I have done to keep me accountable. I also want to eat healthier, but I am not good with organization and meal planning and so don't want to add too much. I will just eat better and not journal. I hope to be kept accountable by those close to me and if anything makes it to Facebook, it will be a blog with an update.
So what are you giving up and gaining for Lent?

From darkness to light

As I sit here today watching another snow storm, all I can think is how beautiful this day is. The snow is fresh again, no more muddy snow. I think about what I would have thought 10 days ago and realize how bad I was. You see, over the last 2 years I struggled with depression. I did not know this, but came to a realization about 2 weeks ago that something needed to happen to fix my brokenness. I have had this anxiety and sad look on life. I couldn't wait for bedtime, everything that was asked of me was a chore, a burden.
A little personal, but I had the Mirena for the last 3 years and never really looked at side effects. I got this removed about 10 days ago, and my life has changed. I feel like a veil has been removed from my eyes. Everything is a little brighter, everything is a little funnier, and I am enjoying my children so much. This is the part that makes me so happy. At the same time it saddens me that for the last 2 years I was not the mom I have always wanted to be because of a choice I made.  I am trying to let that part go and just know that I can now move forward being the mom I always wanted to be. I have 2 children who have put up with a crabby mom for the last 2 years (at least) and I am ready to move forward and give them the time, patience, encouragement, and love that they deserve. I need prayers to break the habits that were formed in the last 2 years. For love and patience to be my driving force.